Ten tips on how to manage family life in isolation

The things you can do to make family life in isolation easier on everyone

1. Routines – make a preferred routine which you discuss with other people in the house eg. morning might be ‘work ‘ afternoons may be more flexible

2. Review and keep reviewing so tensions do not build, think solutions rather than complaints

3. Offer compromises or choices – everyone likes a choice more than an edict

4. Share jobs – e.g there is no reason why one person has to do all the tasks. While we often work to strengths it might be positive to offer to show your partner how to do something. Maybe this is an opportunity to develop new skills

5. Make your day balanced - it’s good to have time alone too

6. Managing anxiety – try not to look too far ahead, think about how much news and social media you want in a day

7. Think about safe uncertainty – uncertainty is a given, what can we do to make it as safe as possible, what is in our control to influence

8. What gives me pleasure and calm? Let your partner know, their pleasure and calm may be different from yours

9. Stay in touch with friends and family not just “how are you”. Organise an online quiz via facetime or Zoom

10. Notice when you are feeling irritated – do something different. Negative patterns of communication are like a beautiful dance – you both know the steps and what comes next

Change the music

Attachment Theory

What is Attachment Theory?

Secure attachment in infancy and childhood lay down the foundations for resilience in later life. But what is secure attachment?

John Bowlby (1907-1990), who developed the Theory of Attachment, was a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst. Combining the work of anthropologists, systemic theorists and behavioural psychologists, his lifelong research was centred on observations of infant/parent interaction.

The quality of the response from a parent when a baby or child expresses fear or anxiety, forms a special bond known as ‘secure attachment’. This occurs when a parent or caregiver protects, comforts and responds to the child. Later in life they are able to draw on this internalised security to manage difficult and stressful situations.

Differing  Domains of Attachment

There are four forms of attachment behaviour which are a guide to the nature and quality of a child’s attachment.

1. Proximity –seeking physical closeness with care giver

2. Secure base –using that person to test out the world

3. Protest -Showing distress when separated

4. Safe haven –turning to the person when threatened  

When these forms of attachment go wrong or do not happen, children can become insecurely attached. This is categorised in 3 main ways 

1. anxious /ambivalent –typically pull / push infant cries for parent ,on return hard to placate and then rejected by infant eg. Pushed away

2. avoidantly attached-appear disinterested and calm outwardly but on ‘high alert’ internally .

3. disorganised attachment-infant has no coping methods for accessing comfort.

Taking Attachment Patterns into Adulthood

The quality of our early attachment influences how we operate as adults and how we choose partners.

When we consider that our partner also has their own attachment history, it only takes a small step to imagine repeating patterns in adult relationships. This can affect intimacy, communication and trust.

In Systemic Therapy we think about childhood patterns of attachment and how they are influencing a relationship. 

Attachment and Parenting

Attachment also affects parenting. As a parent or caregiver you have to move in and out of different roles and on different levels. As a parent you may be providing security to children (care giving) whilst receiving care from your partner.

Sometimes adults replay childhood attachment patterns in order to re work them.

It can be really helpful to think about and understand some of your own patterns from childhood. We all bring our own attachment history to our adult and parenting relationships.  Narratives and stories can be re-authored ,perspectives shared  relationships healed and improved from generation to generation .

Exploring you own Attachment History

If you think any of the issues described may be affecting you or your family and you would benefit from some help and support with this, please get in touch with me.

Families in all forms

Families in all Forms

What is a family? The answer is whoever you consider to be included in your family. In family therapy when I speak initially to the enquirer I ask, “Who would it be useful for you to bring to the first appointment?” There is sometimes quite a complicated process following this of making a decision .It is sometimes important to meet with the parents and gather some history and make a plan for the work conversely it can be useful to hear all the voices at the first session, there is not ‘a one size fits all’.

How does family therapy help ?

Families come often in times of change and transition, this can be children leaving home, new relationships, step families, bereavement /illness and other issues that require families to adapt and communicate. Communication can get heated, distressing and polarised in families and some space to think through the issues can be very helpful. Often there is one person who is keener on therapy that the rest but that doesn’t mean he others don’t also want change but they may feel stuck or hold less hope that things can improve. Even when sessions feel difficult clients reports following the session’s things are better. The decision to try family therapy is a brave one after all you are probably going to talk about all the things that cause problems or that you try to avoid talking about.

 It’s worth giving it a try even a first session can create change.